A few days after we brought our son home from the hospital, I dealt with a range of emotions. While I felt so blessed to have this sweet and healthy little boy in my arms, I missed our daughter. I remember trying to explain these emotions to someone close to me and they responded in a way I will never forget. I was told it was time for me to stop mourning Felicity and move on, because now I had Aidan. I could not believe someone could be so insensitive. How am I suppose to not be saddened by the loss of the child I carried for 7 months? The child that I delivered after 18 hours of labor? It felt as if I was being told to replace the memory of my daughter with my son. While my daughter did not get to come home from the hospital, that does not mean I can just forget her. She is and will always be a part of my life.
My pregnancy with Aidan was not an enjoyable experience. I dealt with constant anxiety and lived appointment to appointment. Even if I was not scheduled for an ultrasound, I would beg my doctor for one. Throughout my second pregnancy, the loss of our daughter was always on my mind. For 37 weeks I worried I would lose our son. Even after he was born I dealt with the fear of another loss. Aidan is six months old, healthy and growing as he should, but that fear has not gone away. A fellow Hope Mommy and dear friend, made the comment “loss and infertility is so wounding to the identity of a woman.” My loss of Felicity has caused me to face emotions that I feel so ashamed of. I have dealt with jealousy towards women who have had easy pregnancies, resentment towards those who get to bring their daughter home from the hospital. I face a constant fear that my living child will be snatched from me in a moment. The biggest emotion I face on a daily basis, is guilt. Guilt knowing I wouldn’t have Aidan without the loss of Felicity.
I cannot forget my daughter and I will not stop mourning her. The time I had with her, while short, has shaped me to be the woman I am today. The birth of my son does not replace the loss of my daughter. They are two separate children and I love each one equally. By saying his birth replaces her, it means he is more important. I believe in loving both of my children with the same passion. Felicity will forever hold a place in my heart. I will continue to mourn her at the same time I celebrate the life of my son. I know God has a plan for my family and this hardship has been a major part of it. I also know, he would not want me to forget the baby girl I carried inside of me. For all those who have lost someone, whether a child or a parent, do not let anyone tell you to not mourn them. I will continue to mourn my daughter, because I cherish her memory and love her as I do my son.
My suggestion to those suffering from a loss and facing similar emotions as I am, is to pray. I have given these doubts, fears and anxieties to the Lord. I am not fully healed, and I don’t know if I ever will be. However, I know through prayer and support I will be stronger. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.
Love and Prayers,