Aidan, Motherhood

25 Things I Have Learned As A New Mom:

1: Always have a back up changing pad. Chances are you will be washing one and using the other. Or in our case, using a towel because both were in the wash

2: It is never funny when your child poops or pees on you. When they do it to your significant other, it is hilarious!

3: Children’s books either make no sense or are actually very sexual. Maybe Nathan and I just have really dirty and sleep deprived minds. 

4: When your child start solids, expect their poop to look exactly like what they just ate. I will never look at bananas the same way again. 

5: Nothing is more romantic than when your husband changes a poopy diaper. 

6: To get your husband to change a poopy diaper, you must first beat him at a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. 

7: Always wait at least 20 minutes after you feed your son to change his diaper. Unless you are a daredevil, then change it immediately. It’s like a game of Russian Roulette but with body fluids. 

8: Your significant other will blackmail you with all the funny and questionable things you said while surviving on two hours of sleep. 

9: Most days your child will be dressed better than you are and probably be a lot cleaner. (These yoga pants don’t stink, I will wear them again for the third day in a row.)

10: I will never eat by myself or go to the bathroom alone for a very long time. What am I talking about, my dog and husband didn’t let me do that even before Aidan was born. 

11: When you hear mysterious giggling, prepare to have a naked baby butt shoved in your face. Shit got real!

12: You are your child’s favorite toy. My son likes putting my toes in his mouth. I’m not going to worry about it until he’s 18 and still doing it. 

13: Babies love hair. They like to pull it out of your head, eat it, and bat at it like a kitten with a ball of yarn. I think my son is just jealous I have so much hair and he doesn’t. 

14: Babies think it’s hilarious when you’re crying. It’s even funnier when you’re hopping around on one foot and mumbling curse words to yourself, because you tripped over one of their toys.

15: Your child will try, and most likely be successful in sticking their fist in your mouth. If they are an over achiever like my son, they will stick both fists in your mouth. 

16: Your child will be used as a scapegoat anytime you or your significant other passes gas. “Aidan, did you have beans again?”

17: Going anywhere with your child, you have to pack up everything they own. Do they need the bouncer? Probably not, but throw it in the car. 

18: The moment you forget the diaper bag and are out in public, your child will have a blowout. Not just any blowout. The kind that goes up the back and down the legs. 

19: If breastfeeding, it becomes normal to talk about your boobs all the time and to anyone who will listen. Side note: you also become comfortable whipping them out in public. A baby has to eat too. 

20: Babies are like pigeons, they like shiny things. They will go for your jewelry and cell phone when you aren’t looking. 

21: Babies come out of the womb knowing self-defense tactics. Some of their favorites include throat punches, head butts and eye pokes. 

22: Multitasking becomes a part of life. Do you sometimes feed your child tomato sauce and put peaches in the pasta? Only if you are fighting the insurance company on the phone.

23: You will threaten your significant other with a very painful death if they wake the sleeping baby. My personal favorite includes the use of a rusty can opener. 

24: Breastfeeding a teething baby is just as dangerous as swimming with sharks. They both like to chew on body parts. 

Lastly….

25: Being a mom is the most rewarding and fulfilling job. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not even a year of un interrupted sleep, a lifetime of chocolate and for my child’s first word to be mama!
Hope you enjoyed reading!

Molly

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4 thoughts on “25 Things I Have Learned As A New Mom:”

  1. This post was perfect, it completely sums up motherhood in a humorous way. Thank you for writing it. My son got up at 4:30 this morning and wouldn’t go back to bed so I needed this.

    Liked by 1 person

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