Hope Baby

I remember the night I found out I was expecting Felicity. It was after a long day at work in January 2015. Nathan was away at an interview, and wasn’t going to be home until the next day. I had been feeling pretty sick the last few days and suspected I might be pregnant. (My mother-in-law had jokingly asked if I was, two days prior.) Nathan and I had been trying for two months, so I happened to have a pregnancy test at home. I took the test expecting to see a NOT PREGNANT sign. As soon as it came back positive, I had a nauseous feeling in my stomach and it wasn’t the morning sickness. I pushed aside the negative feelings and planned on how I would surprise Nathan with the news. Just as I was making him a card to announce our pregnancy, he calls me with news of his own. He had just been offered a job at two different schools. It seemed as if God was opening all these doors for us. The next day when he arrived home, I had a baby outfit, the pregnancy test and the card I had made him out on the table. When he walked in the door and saw everything laid out, he started to tear up and gave me a big hug and kiss. This was the happiest I had ever seen him. We were finally starting the family we had always dreamed about. Fast forward to my first ultrasound. I had been having a pretty normal pregnancy so far. Lots of morning sickness, fatigue and a little bleeding. Remember how I had that negative feeling when I realized I was pregnant? It had not gone away in the eight weeks of waiting to see our baby on the ultrasound machine. When we finally saw our baby (who looked like a little gummy bear) I cried tears of relief. I didn’t think the technician would be able to find a baby or a heartbeat. Finally thinking everything was okay, we met with the doctor. The first words out of her mouth, confirmed my negative feelings earlier were right on track. She told us they found some fluid around the baby and wanted us to see a specialist. At eight weeks pregnant, we began our heartbreaking journey to eventually losing our daughter. We saw the specialist the next week and she informed us that the fluid had increased around the baby. The doctor told us that in her opinion, our baby had what is called Turner’s Syndrome. Turner’s Syndrome is a chromosomal abnormality, where the baby is missing a sex chromosome. Making the baby a girl. It is not inherited, just completely random. Turner’s Syndrome is 99% fatal in a fetus. The 1% of babies who survive have a lot of birth defects. We began to see our specialist every two weeks. Each appointment we expected to be told that we had lost our daughter, only to find out she was still fighting. Felicity was not growing as a normal baby should and had fluid surrounding her organs and under her skin. This fluid would eventually force her heart to give out. Turner’s babies are not suppose to survive past 20 weeks, yet our little fighter lasted until 28 weeks. At the end of May we moved from Poplar Bluff to Lebanon, so Nathan could start his new job in the fall. We continued to make our weekly appointments, traveling the four hours every week to see the specialist. Finally after what would be our last appointment, I decided it was time to switch to a specialist closer to our new home. We ended up never meeting the specialist, because our sweet little girl finally lost her battle. The night of July 7th, I was very sick. I was throwing up, bleeding and in a lot of pain. Nathan and I suspected I was going into labour. We waited until my contractions were close together and left for Springfield the next morning. When we arrived at the hospital, they did an ultrasound and confirmed our baby girl had passed away. Many emotions were faced that day. Relief that our daughter was no longer in pain, sadness that we would never watch her grow up, anger towards God for taking our daughter and finally love. The most important emotion of all. Nathan and I felt a stronger love for each other than we ever imagined. This tragedy had brought us even closer together. We felt the love that our families and support system continued to give us through this journey. Finally, we felt the love for this little girl we would never be able to take home. After a full day of laboring, I delivered our sweet girl and we said our goodbyes. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a child. Through this journey, Nathan and I have gained some insight.  Not only have we grown stronger as a couple, we learned how important family is to us. We recognized the importance of a strong support system, which includes the love and strength of Jesus Christ. I think of our Felicity Marie everyday. When I look at our sons, I know a piece of our daughter is within them. This journey was unforeseen, but it made me the wife and mother I am today.