Felicity Marie, Hope Mommy, Loss, Motherhood

Quick Decision

Imagine, your house is on fire. Your family and pets are safe and you have 30 seconds to grab one item and bring it with you to safety. What would it be? For some of you it might be a photo album, a wedding ring or if you are a teenager, your cell phone. The one item I would grab is my Felicity memory box. This box was given to Nathan and I the night we lost our daughter. Our nurses at Mercy hospital put together a box full of various items to remember our daughter. Each item allows us to cherish our memory of her. One item is a little booklet they made with pictures of her feet and hands within it. Another nurse crocheted a little pink hat and wrap for her. When I found out I was pregnant with Felicity, I began a journal for her to read when she was older. That journal along with her urn are nestled inside. As Nathan and I continue to cherish our daughter’s memory, when we see something that reminds us of her, we place it in inside her memory box. Out of everything I own, I would save my Felicity box in a heartbeat. I realize that I don’t need these objects to remember her, but each one has such special meaning to Nathan and I. When our son is older, I want to open this box and share these memories with him. I want Aidan to cherish his older sister’s memory as well. These little objects remind me of how lucky I am to be her mom and the chance I was given to carry her for as long as I did. As emotional as I get each time I open her box, I love having a little piece of her close by. I know I can always buy a new television or another pair of boots after a fire, but I will never be able to replace the precious items inside that box. So if I had 30 seconds to grab one item, it would be Felicity’s box. 

I would love to hear what you would grab from your house if you had 30 seconds! Feel free to comment below and tell me why you made that quick decision. 

Love and Blessings, 

Molly 

Christianity, Felicity Marie, Hope Mommy, Loss, Motherhood

The Kindness of Strangers

Over the past few days I have been thinking of one particular moment of kindness someone shared with me. It happened during the most difficult time of Nathan and my life. Nathan and I had just left the Specialist’s office, where we found out Felicity would not survive. I was so drained from the news, I did not want to go down the three flights of stairs. We chose to use the elevator, despite the emotional state we were in. I had calmed myself just enough until a young mom and her daughter entered the elevator. When I glanced over at the little girl I started sobbing. I realized I would never get to watch our little girl grow up. It seemed to be the longest elevator ride of my life. Sharing our elevator were two older women, an older man and the mom and her daughter. When I broke down, one of the older women came over and asked if she could hold me. I nodded my head. She hugged me and told me that Jesus loves me and will protect my heart, no matter what trials I am facing. Of course these kind words made me sob even harder. As we left the elevator, the other older woman came up to me and smiled and gave me a hug and said she would pray for me. These women did not know our circumstances. They saw a young woman who was clearly distraught. Instead of turning away from someone in need, they showed a kindness that I desperately needed. I will forever remember that moment for the rest of my life. I am writing about this small act of kindness, because we all need to be more aware of those around us. We never know what someone is going through in their lives. Taking a moment of your day to check on someone can and will make a difference. 

Blessings and love, 

Molly

Aidan, Christianity, Felicity Marie, Hope Mommy, Loss, Motherhood

Remembering Felicity

A few days after we brought our son home from the hospital, I dealt with a range of emotions. While I felt so blessed to have this sweet and healthy little boy in my arms, I missed our daughter. I remember trying to explain these emotions to someone close to me and they responded in a way I will never forget. I was told it was time for me to stop mourning Felicity and move on, because now I had Aidan. I could not believe someone could be so insensitive. How am I suppose to not be saddened by the loss of the child I carried for 7 months? The child that I delivered after 18 hours of labor? It felt as if I was being told to replace the memory of my daughter with my son. While my daughter did not get to come home from the hospital, that does not mean I can just forget her. She is and will always be a part of my life.

 My pregnancy with Aidan was not an enjoyable experience. I dealt with constant anxiety and lived appointment to appointment. Even if I was not scheduled for an ultrasound, I would beg my doctor for one. Throughout my second pregnancy, the loss of our daughter was always on my mind. For 37 weeks I worried I would lose our son. Even after he was born I dealt with the fear of another loss. Aidan is six months old, healthy and growing as he should, but that fear has not gone away. A fellow Hope Mommy and dear friend, made the comment “loss and infertility is so wounding to the identity of a woman.” My loss of Felicity has caused me to face emotions that I feel so ashamed of. I have dealt with jealousy towards women who have had easy pregnancies, resentment towards those who get to bring their daughter home from the hospital. I face a constant fear that my living child will be snatched from me in a moment. The biggest emotion I face on a daily basis, is guilt. Guilt knowing I wouldn’t have Aidan without the loss of Felicity.

 I cannot forget my daughter and I will not stop mourning her. The time I had with her, while short, has shaped me to be the woman I am today. The birth of my son does not replace the loss of my daughter. They are two separate children and I love each one equally. By saying his birth replaces her, it means he is more important. I believe in loving both of my children with the same passion. Felicity will forever hold a place in my heart. I will continue to mourn her at the same time I celebrate the life of my son. I know God has a plan for my family and this hardship has been a major part of it. I also know, he would not want me to forget the baby girl I carried inside of me. For all those who have lost someone, whether a child or a parent, do not let anyone tell you to not mourn them. I will continue to mourn my daughter, because I cherish her memory and love her as I do my son. 

My suggestion to those suffering from a loss and facing similar emotions as I am, is to pray. I have given these doubts, fears and anxieties to the Lord. I am not fully healed, and I don’t know if I ever will be. However, I know through prayer and support I will be stronger. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me. 

Love and Prayers,

Molly