In this season of life, I am struggling more with anxiety than I have in a long time. Most days it feels like my life is just a game of Monopoly, where I seem to keep drawing the Go to Jail card: Do not pass go, do not collect $200. The source of this anxiety stems directly from motherhood. I cannot seem to stop my brain from racing with all these worries about my children. I currently have a three year old boy and a 17 month old boy. These children of mine are the greatest pair of boys you will ever meet. (I might be a little biased as their mother!) While they are both adventurers, comedians, builders, cuddlers and natural helpers, they also tend to give me gray hairs and mini panic attacks on a daily basis. Between my three-nager and his attitude, tendency to hurt his baby brother in some way, and just overall toddler behavior; I am dealing with a 17 month old that climbs everything in sight, is a destruction man all by himself and copies everything his big brother does. I feel like I have run a marathon by 9 am everyday! You would think with the constant busyness of our daily lives, I wouldn’t have time to be anxious. Oh how you are wrong. It probably doesn’t help that I have dealt with anxiety since elementary school and am a natural worrier. (Ask my husband, he will tell you my middle name is worrywart!) Every little thing recently has me anxious and worried about my children. Some of these worries are super dramatic and will probably make you laugh, others you will nod and be able to relate.
I didn’t exactly have the perfect childhood, but who does? I grew up with some toxicity in my family, and am triggered by the years of emotional and mental turmoil on a daily basis. My biggest fear right now, is continuing that cycle with my children and causing them to deal with the aftereffects as I have. Now, I recognize I have taken steps in my life to break that cycle and am aware of what choices I need to make as a parent to prevent such an occurrence; I still worry about damaging my children. I get frustrated easily, I lose my temper and can have a short fuse. These are traits I have to be conscious about around my kids. They are only three and 17 months, they don’t understand how everything works. These boys are learning everyday, and even though I have been alive longer, so am I. It is not easy for me to stop this anxiety. (Please picture me running from a huge rolling bolder, just like in Indiana Jones.) I want my children to grow up to be amazing human beings, who can make this world a better place. I would hate for them to deal with the same issues I do, because I fail to take a step back and remind myself these boys need forgiveness and patience, just like adults. This has been the major anxiety weighing down my life.
The next worry is something that has been a struggle ever since we lost Felicity back in July of 2015. I am constantly anxious of losing another child (and my husband, but that could be a whole other blog post!). The fear of a random accident happening to one of the boys, a kidnapping, car accident, or even some sort of sickness is always in the back of my mind. It has made me more of a helicopter parent than I would like to be. I dealt with PTSD after our loss, and it still seems to affect me when it comes to my children. My children are my life. I am a stay-at-home parent, because I want to spend as much time with them as possible. Parenthood is not without these fears. When you have something as special and precious as a child, you want to protect them in every way possible. Even when God has a different plan for them, like he did with our daughter. This doesn’t mean I go without this common fear and daily dose of anxiety over the safety of my boys.
These next worries and anxious thoughts are humorous when I take a step back and think clearly.
- What if my children turn out to be serial killers? (I really should not have binge watched both seasons of Mindhunter in a week)
- What if my boys grow up and want nothing to do with me, because I am a girl and they like to spend time with boys, like daddy, Uncle Trevor, Papa and Grandpa?
- What if they don’t want to cuddle with me when they are older? (I doubt my college student will really want to come home and sit on my lap. Let’s be real, he will need me to do his laundry and make his favorite meal instead.)
- What if my children are behind in school, because I am not doing enough sensory and learning activities like all the other moms on social media are doing? (Please do not go down that wormhole, it will make you feel like a failure at every turn!)
- What if they are bullied when they are in school and don’t have a great set of friends, because I didn’t provide enough socialization as toddlers? What if they are the bullies, because I raised little jerks?
And the list could go on and on and on….. I will not bore you with all the other silly anxieties I have as a mother. As the title of this post states, “Jesus Take the Wheel,” I have had to hand these worries over to the only one who can give me the peace I need. Every night after checking on the sleeping terror twins, I lay in bed and talk to God. I hand over these worries and ask him to guide me in being a good mother to these precious yet exhausting beings. I pray he can help ease my anxieties the next day, so they will not overwhelm my thoughts and actions. I would hate for these anxieties to effect the relationship I have with Aidan and Finn. It would destroy me, if my anxieties became their anxieties. At the end of the day, I need to realize I am doing the very best I can as a mother. There is only so much time in the day, and I do not want to spend it worrying it away. This practice of leaving my worries and fears in the hands of our Lord has helped me to find some semblance of peace. I hope if this post hits close to home, you can find peace in knowing you are not alone in dealing with anxiety. I will say a prayer for all you parents dealing with similar anxieties. Remember, it is okay to have these worries, just be mindful that it is not causing an interference in your daily lives. Recognize when you need to talk to someone, whether a spouse, a friend or even a professional.
Love and blessings,
Molly
Adventures of a Rainbow Baby 